Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent
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Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me