Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.

Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen

– Tom Hanks, probably

jesus christ confetti not now