Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?