DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
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*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
This is no longer winter this is harassment
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.