DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
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[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
🙂🐾
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Yup.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.