Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
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Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no