Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

If I ignore life will it go away?

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.

Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.