Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.

17 animal photos that will make you do a double take

So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.