Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly