definitely did not do anything wrong
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I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
lot going on here, legally speaking.
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[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
congratulations to them
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How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke