definitely did not do anything wrong
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just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Lucky old June.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.