definitely did not do anything wrong
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[7 AM at the grocery store]
Me: Wow all the old people are out early.
Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.
dream blunt rotation
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad