definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
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*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i