definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
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My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
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My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:![]()
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Easy enough.
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2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.