Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
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I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.