Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
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Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot