Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”