Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

Oh thanks BBC.

🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by

genius

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*

Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

im gay on my mothers side

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas

I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35