Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

😭😭

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.