Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

Seems kinda suspicious

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep