Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
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“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
*Seductively hides in the woods
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want