Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

Cop: Pull over

Me: you cold bro?

There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.

Me two seconds later: Oh no!

Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.