Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river
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My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.