Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
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[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.