Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
You Might Also Like
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff