Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
You Might Also Like
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
who wants to go expliring
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.