“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
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I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins