“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
You Might Also Like
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
#titanic
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.