“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
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Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*