Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

My current situation

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.

Me: What were you doing earlier?

13: Resting so I could stay up late.

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

Grandpa

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

finally

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

me: our first night as man and wife

bride: you know what that means 😉

me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this

bride: what

me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel

spouse: why

me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?