Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.

Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.

Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Hitlers gonna hitl

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

lmao😭🤣

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.