deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
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just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
