Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids