deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused
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Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it