Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
this is 10/10 content no notes
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.