Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
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“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Attacked by a mop.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.