Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good

Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

found a horse’s reddit account

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

Actual air attendant:

“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.