Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Ah..makes sense now

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?

Me: No

B: Tell me our company policy

M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next