Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”

Moments like these are when I ask for money.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?