Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
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Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.