Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

life finds a way

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”

workin bro its a thursday

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?

Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-

Me: *slams door*

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

😍😂🥰😂😍

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?