*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma