@ThisOneSayz

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

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@LostCatDog

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

@Holy_Mowgli

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

@OfficeofSteve

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

@dreamthievin

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

@2tickytacky

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

@DaddyJew

Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?

Me: I don’t even want to see my own kid do something cool

@funnybeachgirl

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

@lmegordon

My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.