*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
You Might Also Like
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[eulogy]
line?
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information