Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin