Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

ㅤ

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.