Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*

May I borrow a cup of sleep?

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.

When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

*cop approaches me*

“have u seen this girl?”

*holds up photo*

“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”

*hi-5*

“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Breaking news:

Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?

Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie

Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

ㅤ