Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

U talkin 2 me?

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother