[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
You Might Also Like
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
dril cadence
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.