Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Worst Native American name ever.

Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.