Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind