Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Her: this isn’t going to work out

Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?

Church Pugh’s

No

one

yums like Gaston

Eats iced plums like Gaston

Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston

Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time

The Children of the Corn were better with the Children of the Butter and the Children of the Salt.

I’m being attacked 😭

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄