Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF

*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR

*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

i will avenge u mr van gogh

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.

Wife: Me either. We are getting old.

Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.

Wife: What do you mean-

[Kids start imitating hyenas]

-nevermind.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human