VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
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[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Room with a view.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.