Sure, we can be friends. I get to be Chandler.
– Deletes FB account
– Leaves Social Media
– Moves to Himalayas
– Pigeon comes with a note
– Opens note
– Candycrush request
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Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Having children really brought me and my wife closer together.
We have a common enemy now.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
*snares the Easter Bunny*
*pats his head*
*lets him go*
What?!?…What did you think I was going to do, you savages.
Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that?
Then, don’t do that.