@bombfunk75

– Deletes FB account
– Leaves Social Media
– Moves to Himalayas
– Pigeon comes with a note
– Opens note
– Candycrush request

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@DannyMcH2O

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

@CherBear162

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

@ObscureGent

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

@TheAlexNevil

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

@hazelmotes1

Having children really brought me and my wife closer together.

We have a common enemy now.

@1Happytwit

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

@realHamOnWry

*sets trap*

*snares the Easter Bunny*

*pats his head*

*lets him go*

What?!?…What did you think I was going to do, you savages.

@wendyraepearce

Before you do that- think, Would an idiot do that?
Then, don’t do that.