You’re so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.
– Deletes FB account
– Leaves Social Media
– Moves to Himalayas
– Pigeon comes with a note
– Opens note
– Candycrush request
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Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there’ll only be 2 “hits”; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.
This did not end as expected.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.