Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

A welcome mat is a gateway rug.

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

Lol

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”

“I have none.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“It’s true, I have no friends.”

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.