Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.

Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed