*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
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ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”