Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free

The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.