[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
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Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS