[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
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Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG