[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
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When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.