Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
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My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Spotted in the wild
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
the official breakfast of 2021