Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

Normalize responding to work emails with:

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now