deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
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Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
