Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

A short story of betrayal:

🤣🤣

You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.