deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
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The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
serving silly goose instead of turkey
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!