deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
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given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
realest tweet ever.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
For those that worship cheese..
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*