Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
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I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.