Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.