deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
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waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Happy Halloween 🎃
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Any refunds available?…
every single time
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Coffee is ready.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.