deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
